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Here's to me; and only me

Welcome. This post is about me. And only about me. It’s about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to welcome you on a journey with all its ups and downs. It’s about me, finding myself in all the random thoughts I’m almost about to drown from time to time. But let’s start from the top.

 

I’m 20 years old, about to turn 21 later this year and although I’m registered at a higher school – starting this September – I have absolutely no clue who I want to be in the future. Maybe a slight idea but my current visions seem a bit farfetched. I’m currently in London and tough I don’t think I changed during this past few months in the city of fish and chips an litres of earl grey tea, I recon I grew up a bit more. Since I went to a Climate justice demonstration with a friend, I have the urge to do more stuff like that. I want to have an impact. I want to tell people that we don’t have to accept how things are right now and that we can stand up and raise our voices against the leaders of society. On the other hand, I fear the reactions of friends and family if I keep on being an alternative weirdo who may soon start to walk around like a vegan tree.

 

Right before I sat down to start writing this article, I was taking a shower. The water was drizzling on my shoulders as I was rushing through my short hair to spread the shampoo left in my hand. I suddenly had this thought. This is you Jana, this is all you. Your actions, your behaviour, this is your path and your future. Later before I was staring into the bathroom mirror and I suddenly felt this massive pressure on my soul. The urge to go to the gym to lose more fat. The compulsion to eat less toast with butter in the morning, look after a better nutrition and consume less sugar. My stomach isn’t flat, my tight gab has the length of -10 cm. So, I was pretty much putting myself down. But then, after letting myself hate what I saw and after considering never leaving this house again it hit me. Something that night be such an easy thought and something people could call me silly or a fool for not thinking about it before.

Jana Leu

I’m not the happy silly Cinderella girl from next door. The girl authors like Cecilia Ahern or Huntley Fitzpatrick like to write about. The one with long blond hair, curvy yet athletic body posture, gorgeous smile and somehow shy, but actually somehow confident. Nope. Not me. But I’m the Jana from next door. The one with a new pixie cut, trying to be hipster but actually no. The girl with a chubby face, almost celebrating her 21th birthday but who still looks like 16 years old. I’m not Instafamous nor a YouTube star. I have a weird obsession on writing letters, maybe because vintage is somehow popular nowadays. I only use soap. No lotion (I actually had to google how to spell that word). I bite my nails and I’d never (never ever ever) colour them, because I hate it. My face just looks like it is. Just like that. No face tune. #NoFilter. A lot of pimples and spots. Glasses and sometimes deep dark red lipstick to give myself that extra badass look. I wear makeup on special occasions or when it just hits me in the morning and I got spare time to do so. My clothes are mostly size 38. My weight varies between 60 and 65 kg but certainly never below this amount.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I start a new day at the peak of the rollercoaster and apparently I'll end up at the lowest point. No matter how amazing that day was, no matter how much love I received. But I'm sick of this. I'm sick of pretending to be this perfect girl. I'm sick to be someone I'm not just because society tells me so. I know that it ain't tell me anything unless I let it manipulate me, but the truth is: I do. But here's to me. Only for me. This year and the years after I'll do anything for me and I'll treat myself well.  

 

See, the point is: I’m not perfect, neither are you or that boy over there showing off his new Jordan sneakers. I don’t want to celebrate body positivity or self love or a perfect vegan lifestyle. Or you know what: let’s celebrate all of it at once. After taking that shower something clicked in my head. I’m never going to be that pretty skinny girl from next door. I’ll probably never going to care about body and hair care products at all. I’m just going to be me and that’s all I have to offer. The best of me I can be, in fact the best version of me I want myself to be. A bit chubby. A bit weird. A bit off the road. A bit left behind. A bit confused and too relaxed but also loving and caring and with an open ear for all the people who decide that me is just as right as it is right now.

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